A Light in the Darkness

I read the news on my phone, sitting at a small cafe, enjoying a rare moment alone with a plan to do some Christmas Shopping.  Over 20 dead, after a shooter walked into an elementary school, most of them children between the ages of 5 and 10.  My soup suddenly didn't taste good, and I lost my desire to shop.  I quickly paid my bill and headed for my car.  I sat there as the tears began to fall, unable to form a prayer with any other words but "Oh, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus." I made my way home, the child in me taking a moment to call my mom and find security in her voice.  All I wanted to do was go pick up my boys and hug them to me tightly, and never let go.  I turned the TV on and listened as other details began to be released.  And then the images started coming.  Images of the parents.  My tears came unchecked now.  "Oh Jesus."  So Senseless.  No answer would ever come to any of them that would answer the question, "Why?" 

That evening as the news continued to broadcast my husband turned it off.  He just looked at me and I knew it was enough.  There was nothing else they could say that would change anything, those babies and teachers were gone, and families left with an unimaginable grief.  We hugged our boys so tightly that night and talked about what they'd seen and heard.  After they were asleep I gave them extra kisses and prayed a simple pray I often say when saying good night.  "God be with them." 

We went through the motions of our weekend.  I let the laundry go, I let the house go, I let the Christmas Shopping go and spent much of the day making a gingerbread train with my boys.  I don't ever want to take any moments for granted.  I want to enjoy every smile and laugh, I want to remember the feel of kisses and hugs. 

On the way to school  Monday morning my oldest asked, "Mom is it okay for us to go to school?"  I took a deep breath and prayed for wisdom.  I talked about how there was a shooting in a movie theater recently and asked, "does that mean we should never go to a movie?."  I also talked about the recent shooting at a shopping mall, "does that mean we shouldn't go shopping?"  If we never go anywhere because we are afraid, how will we tell others about Jesus?  I turned to scripture, because really where else is there to turn.  I told them both, "God has not given us a spirit of fear."  We live in a world where good and evil collide and sometimes horrible unfair things happen.  But one thing we can be sure of is no matter where we are:  school, a movie theater, a mall, or at home,  "God will never leave or forsake us."  Even if that evil touches or takes my life, "I will fear no evil for He is with me".  I was thankful God inspired me with those words, it helped me as much as it helped them. 

I am sure someday my daughter will want to know, "Why?"  Why didn't her birth parents keep her?  A question I am already trying to prepare for, and will answer as honestly as I can with what knowledge I have. All I know is this.  We do not live in perfect world.  Evil exists. War exists.  Famine exists.  Starvation exists.  Cruelty exists.  In a perfect world there would be no shootings of innocent children, in a perfect world there would be no orphans, in a perfect world there would be no evil. 

But this world is NOT my home.  And until that day, that wonderful day, we have to do the best we can to show the world about the good that exists, about a very real JESUS who instructed us to Go and preach the gospel, Go and give shelter to the homeless, Go and be a father to the fatherless, Go and give food to the hungery, Go and be a light in the darkness.

We are Number........Six

    

    Last year at this time we were waiting for our Dossier to receive all the necessary seals and stamps needed to make it official and approved to send off to Thailand.  We weren't even on "The List" yet, so even though I was disappointed to learn we only moved up to #6 this quarter, I am thankful we have made it this far on this ever lengthening journey.  We started this journey unsure of where it would take us, or how we would get there and although we haven't completed it yet, we have come this far and I know God will help us the rest of the way.  I knew, as well as one can in thought, that this process would change us as a family, I guess I never expected some of the ways it is changing me already. 

 

     Patience.  Many of you know I have a bit of a control issue.  I thrive on schedules and lists.  I perform things methodically and always follow the recipe. In adoption, after a couple pieces of paperwork (I laugh at my own joke), well there is nothing one can do.  And I do mean NOTHING.  You just wait...and wait...and wait...and wait.  For our process we have a referral month once a quarter, when Thailand sends referrals to our agency to be matched with families on the waiting list.  We have now been through 4 of these months, of looking at the phone ever so often not really expecting a call but unable to help wishing the phone would ring.  Feeling beyond happy for the children being matched with their families and every day a love growing for a child I don't even know yet.  Reading scripture over and over about waiting, and about patience, about God's plans and God's will.  I am learning what it really means to be patient.  Patience is not this attribute some have and others don't.  Patience is not a noun, it is a verb, an action, a choice. I have learned that patience is sitting still.  Trusting that after all the work I can do is done, to stop and sit still.  I often find myself wondering if He is constantly taking me back to my place and saying sit here and be still for just a minute. Just like I would tell my boys when they were two year old bundles of energy and I needed just a few minutes to complete a task.  I have learned God just needs a few minutes sometimes and I just need to sit still.  Surely I can manage longer than a two year old.

 

     Generosity.  I have never considered myself a selfish person.  I have always faithfully tithed and given in church offerings.  I give to charities, and of myself and of my time.  I have learned that one can be innocent of being selfish but fall very short of being generous.  God has been dealing with my heart ever so gently lately.  In the last 17 months I have been blown away with the generosity of others.  People who have known us for years, and more often mere acquaintances.  People God has moved on and they have given of their hearts.  Their gifts have shown me true generosity.  It has made me question if I am always generous.  I want my heart to be open at all times to give and to give generously.  To give in a way, that regardless of the amount, people feel loved and feel they are noticed and cared about.    Others generosity towards us has humbled me and made me look at how I give and question, am I being generous?  I want to teach my sons and my daughter to be generous.  It is in being generous that we really receive the blessing of giving.  It's not that I haven't heard this lesson before and taken note, it's just that I am now living it.

 

Number 6 it is.  As I sit, fidgiting in my spot and praying God is not going to make me wait too many more minutes!

Waiting Pains

I seem to be having a more difficult time lately with this whole waiting thing.  I'm not sure if it's because we are getting closer (#7 btw a family received an early match, Dec. referrals yet to come), and by being closer I mean we still have no idea if it will be Dec (I can only wish), March (seems plausible) or June (by which time I will be officially crazy, OR if it's the holidays, or what.  I just know I'm all crazy on this roller coaster of emotions again.  A friend, and adoptive parent, told me a few days ago to brace myself cuz the waiting gets really hard once you have your match and see your precious child's face.  While I am sure she is right, she also said that nothing really takes that ache away. The waiting pains I have been calling them.  Here's the deal.  I KNOW it will happen in God's timing, I KNOW it will all click into place and be perfect, I KNOW I simply have no control over this.  I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW.  But what I know and what my heart FEELS well, two different things entirely.  Thank God for family and friends who love me, and know me enough to let me cry every once in a while, and thank thank God for a facebook group of families across the states who have been in my shoes and provide words of wisdom and support only they can.  The other day one of those friends posted a poem for all of us in waiting.  I printed it out and hung it on my fridge.

KISSES IN THE WIND (The Waiting Child's Lullabye)

I hold you in my heart and touch you in my dreams.
...

You are here each day with me, at least that's how it seems.

I know you wonder where we are... what's taking us so long.
But remember child, I love you so and God will keep you strong.

Now go outside and feel the breeze and let it touch your skin...
Because tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.

May God hold you in His hand until I can be with you.
I promise you, my darling, I'm doing all that I can do.

Very soon, you'll have a family for real, not just pretend.
But for tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.

May God wrap you in His arms and hold you very tight.
And let the angels bring the kisses that I send to you each night.

--- © Pamela Durkota, written for Josh

 

And so I continue to wait and dream and pray that she is safe and loved, that God is seeing her through the things we can't right now.  How I miss her.  Soon little Belle, soon.

Our World

I thought I would take a minute to just write about what's going on in our world.  Partly because I want to look back on what we did while we were waiting and partly because there is a sense of self satisfaction in recording the humdrum of our daily lives.  I hope one day my kids will be appreciative, ha! delusional I know (at some point I WILL also get caught up on their scrapbooks...hmmmm).  

We have spent September and October just getting into the flow of things.  You know school, work, church, REPEAT  school, work, church, REPEAT, well you get the picture.  Although it seems like an endless cycle I know you understand how much happens in between the lines.  I was thinking the other night that I wish I had a way to bottle up some of the precious moments of every day life.  For instance, Ian's bed time hugs, when he squeezes me sooo tight I can't breathe and then insists, seconds later, I haven't hugged him yet just so he can do it again.  Or, the quiet moments with Peyton when I realize we are both being so quiet because we have been dragged into the lines of a good book and my heart swells that we share such a thirst for reading and knowledge.  And, the flip my heart still does when my husband grins at me (mush I know!)  Then those other moments, the ones I would like to pretend never happen and sometimes think I might need a padded room just to make it through.  The impossibility of ever having a smooth morning, one where everybody gets up when asked (not after time 252, blankets stripped off, and threats of 530 bedtimes being proclaimed), that I have the right shirt clean (because if the one Ian wants to wear isn't in his closet, well it may go into the dryer for a second with a little bounce cuz sometimes it's just not worth the battle), that I actually checked book bags the night before and home work is done (not hastily scribbled in between bites of Lucky Charms), that the fruit I set out actually gets eaten (and my guilt over cold cereal for breakfast is assuaged), that I actually have enough gas in my car to make it to work after successfully maneuvering through school time morning traffic and drop off (why does it always seem to be on E?).  The secret desire that my sons suddenly have nothing to fight about ever and are suddenly helpful and eat every vegetable I put on their plate, while saying "please" and "thank you". The moment I open my laundry door and then close it again because it might possibly have grown legs and I need back up.  Oh those glorious moments of living, of trudging through every day life together and still managing to love one another, the perfectness of being a family. 

We decided to let the boys play hooky last week and skipped town for a much needed camping trip, interrupting our routine.  We only went about an hour away but so well worth it.  Camping has become our favorite family activity.  At no other time do we have breakfast, lunch, and dinner in one anothers company for 4 days straight.  Or play board game after board game (our current favorites are Blockus and Spotcha but we threw in a round of Sorry and UNO just because they are always fun).  Our legs are a little sore after a 4 mile mountain bike/hike experience (thank goodness they talked me out of the 12 mile one, it is highly probable I would have needed to be carried out on a stretcher!)  We sat around the campfire, roasted smores, and just had a good time.  I'm so appreciative that we have the flexibility to do these things and I hope, just by simply writing it, that I never take these moments for granted. 

And so Our World continues on and we return to what makes us the Strand's.  It's not perfect but there is nothing I would trade it for.

 

EEEk Fundraisers!!!

FUNDRAISERS!!!  And now comes that blood curling scream from horror movies!!  Oh the very word makes your skin crawl and makes you want to hide under your bed!

I confess, I copied the above from another families blog (with permission;).  She made some great points I completely agreed with.  As I read it I chuckled, but by the end of the post I felt I should share my heart with my readers as well.

You have seen fundraisers from Christmas Wreaths, to our Adoption Yard Sale, to our Pampered Chef Benefit...and most recently a way to give a tax deductible donation through Village to Village.  This is in NO way meant to be any kind of pressure from us on to you.  We cherish our friends and family and would NEVER want to stress anyone.  We have not sat and counted our friends, ticking off dollar signs in our heads, and won't we promise:)

The point of fundraisers is two-fold.  First, with a fundraiser, you can have a lot of people do a little and accomplish much (many hands make light work!).  Example:  You may think it pointless to give $10 on our Village to Village donation goal, when we need $9,890.  It's just a drop in the bucket.  HOWEVER, if you give $10 knowing you are one of 100 people giving $10 than you have helped raise $1000 for your friends.  EVERY penny counts!

Second, our time for receiving a referral is drawing near (hopefully in the  next 6 months) when we will have only 2 weeks to come up with the $9,890.  We have some of this, but as you can see we are not there yet, and we are chiseling away at that number a little at a time!

As I tell my children, when their "I wants" get too many to number,  Guys, as much as I would like it we are not independently wealthy.  And the very real honest fact of the matter is we do not have thousands sitting in the bank. As ridiculous as it seems, it costs over $20,000 to adopt one little girl. There are thousands of orphans around the world because of the very real financial wall that stands between them and their would be families.  These kids deserve homes and how many more families would be willing if they didn't question how on earth they could ever afford it.

God has shown us from the get go that he would provide opportunities for us to climb that wall.  We have prayed for provision and don't believe He waves a magic wand giving us thousands, but rather gives us chances to work in ways he can move.  So, even though we don't have thousands, we are willing to fight, to save, to raise the money, to sell our stuff, to have faith that the money will continue to be there, and to know it will not be because of us.  It will be because of MANY that we are blessed with the life of one little girl.

Please, as you see the fundraisers, or the reminders, do not feel like you should look away, or run and hide or hope that we don't think badly of you for not giving.  We want everyone to do what their heart tells them to do.  If that means giving, we humbly receive it.  If that means sending us a word of encouragement or a prayer our way, by all means PLEASE do!.  We could have not made it this far without what you have already done, and we know we can't make it the rest of the way without you. 

We are so blessed for each and everyone of you.  Thank you for your support as we continue our journey to bring Isabel home.  God Bless.

NUMBER EIGHT!!!!!!!

Confession: I have known for almost a week that we have moved up to number eight on the Thailand Wait List (SINGLE digits baby)!!!!  However, life and all that entails has kept me from announcing it, well blogging it, as everyone within 10 feet of me all week definitely heard about it.  The Program Director and Assistant emailed the update on the matches from the September referrals (yay for all the families finding out about their kiddos!!), and other details about the program.  As always I emailed the assistant (also a Laura:) and said, "Sooooooo, where does that place us?"  I could almost feel her patient smile through the email as she congratulated us on moving to number 8, and then reminded us that matches are not always made in chronological order.  I just know we are closer than ever before...and have the possibility of being matched in March 2013 ( I mean given that matches aren't chronilogical it could be December 2012 but whose thinking that????)  The right child at the right time, says Program Assistant Laura.  Sigh.  And so we continue to play the waiting game.  (We hate you waiting game!)

 

The other big eight in our life is our little man Ian.  Our baby turned eight on the 19th!  He is so big. He loves football and so his birthday bash included: a football shaped brownie, new Vikings jersey, a card collectors folder with football cards, a football figurine, and an MP3 player(because he wants an ipod and really I won't even buy myself one and I would have a heart attack when I found it in his jeans in the dryer after being washed...a few more years buddy, a few more years!)  Love him to pieces!

 

 

In other news we raised over $300 to deposit in our little account from spending an evening with Pampered Chef and all our friends!  So much fun, good food, and stuff everybody wants anyway.  So thank you Friends/Family, Carol Nunnery, and Pampered Chef.  We were accepted onto a website called Village to Village International.  Our family's profile and adoption story will be listed and people can donate and the monies will be tax deductible, and channeled through Village to Village who directly pays for our expenses (we do not recieve money direct.)  They are an awesome, new program that is trying to get 1000 people to donate $10 a month which they can bless families with to help offset these crazy expenses. We will definitely join that 'village' after we bring Isabel home. More to come on that later.  We have also applied with JSC for another grant, so please pray God's will in that.  Our church has lovinginly blessed up with pledges of $2100 by the end of the year.  All in all we are watching in awe as God continues to move mountains. 

 

We are staying busy of course.  The boys are finally settling into the school routine, and after the last two months filled with events on our calender I'm hoping to set back for a while and get some things done.  Ha!  Who am I kidding...the holidays are just around the corner.  Ah well, such is life. 



Lazy Days of Summer...What?

     Oh I have a blog...right, maybe I should write something to indicate that we are still alive and well!  As I reflect back over the last 2 months, where did they go?  I thought summer time was supposed to be full of days with no schedule, pool parties, mornings sipping coffee while the children slept snugly in their beds...ha!  We have been sooo busy if I have time to pour my coffee in my to go cup as I head out the door, I consider myself lucky.  Just for the record here is a run down of our summer.  ( I will try to insert photos...sometime)
     June:  Our boys took summer school classes, which in Jackson from K-6 are enrichment theme programs rather than the tutorial class type.  Peyton has always loved them, he took two classes in prep for starting Middle School ( I must pause and say, "yes, I'm freaking out about starting middle school, I think my jitters may even be worse than first day of Kindergarten.  I mean please Lord protect him, let him find friends who are character building and not destructive.  Amen")  He took an art class that allowed him to work with different mediums and some sort of computer programming class where he worked with Microsoft Publisher (another comment insert here, "Yes, my kid officially knows how to work the computer...and anything else technological...better than I do).  Ian, well, let's just say we probably won't do summer school again.  I see long nights of studying ahead.  Rocky will have to be involved, because if we can somehow relate everything to sports we won't have any problems.  He has already anounced that the only good things about starting school are his Viking back pack and P.E.  It never ceases to amaze me how different, and how brilliant, they both are.  I for one am slightly ready for our good old routine, and think some space between them might just ease up the constant sibiling rivalry we endure...daily...no hourly!

 

     July:  July began with our annual trek to Minnesota, to the Strand Arabian Horse Farm.  Rocky's grandparents trained and breed Arabians for many years on their farm near Red Wing, MN.  The farm is now ran by his Uncle and family, and some of the family lives close (within walking distance) to the farm.  Every year all the families bombard the farm for a week or so where we eat, laugh, shop, float the river, talk, play, golf, fish, and just basically have a week long reunion.  It is a great time, and my boys already treasure it as much as their daddy does, who I am pretty sure feels Minnesota is the promise land.  We had a great time, but were happy to be home, where we immediately went into preparations for Vacation Bible School and Kids Praise.  The boys and I also squeezed in a quick trip to St. Louis to see my parents.  We went to a muesem downtown, and an aracade, swam in their rooftop pool, and I enjoyed some Korean drama (which my sister officially has us all hooked on, with the exception of my husband who definitely makes fun of me:)  Back to Jackson and VBS...We do not direct either program but along with many other church volunteers we worked hard to decorate, teach, sing...basically whatever was needed to corral over 60 kiddos and teach them that No matter what God is always with You!.  It is a BIG DEAL around The Turning Point, FPC.  We were once again blessed to be a part, and blessed to have survived another year!!

August...til present...:  We started off by attending a Youth Ministers Conference in St. Louis, which was very inspirational and has our minds turning over how to implement exciting things into our 180 Youth Program.  This weekend we traveled to Sam A. Baker State Park, and camped for 3 nights, as a last hurrah before the boys start school this upcoming week.  The weather was gorgeous, we had a break in the heat and enjoyed 80 degree weather.  We went hiking and swimming, my husband, let me emphasize, my husband let the boys jump off THE ROCK out at the shut ins... It is about 6-8 foot high and the water is way over my hubby's 6'2" head.  I was one nervous momma, but they did it 3 times each until I called them back to more shallow waters, to still my nervously beating heart.  We floated the river, which ended up being more of a walk due to this year's drought, back to the camper fried fish and made s'mores.  A very good time.  Now we are home and on the schedule is Sunday School, hair cuts, school supplies and shoes...

 

     The "Lazy" Days are at an end.  Insert me working part-time, Rocky's crazy summer construction schedule and well it's been a whirlwind.  It has also moved slow at the same time.  We are still in the hurry up and wait phase of the adoption.  We don't anticipate any change until September...ugh...and so I live vicariously through other blogs and look at our Thailand adoption Facebook page daily.  So to all who are like me and are saddended by nothing new to read on the blogs I follow, I hope this will suffice, for now.