Love Day, Letter to Isabel

My very precious daughter,

In August of 2011 you were born in our hearts as we made the decision to adopt. On November 30, 2011, weighing in at 6lbs 2 oz and 18.5 inches tall, you made your entrance into the world! And quoting from Nancy Tillman, On the Night You Were Born, "Heaven blew every trumpet and played every horn on the wonderful, marvelous night you were born." 

Since I can't whisper these words in your ear, just yet, I write this letter to you because it is another very special day.  It is your Love Day.  March 20, 2013 at 1:32 p.m.  we received a phone call.  A phone call telling us about the little girl who had been growing in our hearts for 18 months...You.  How we laughed and cried.  Your Dad and I were simply speechless as we looked at the pictures of your face, the most beautiful little girl we had ever seen.  How my heart rejoiced, but my arms ached.  Ached to hold you close, safe, and loved in my arms. 

You are so special baby girl.  So special.  We can't wait to bring you home to celebrate Love Days, Gotcha Days, Birthdays, and to be with you every day.  Until then I'm blowing you kisses and sending angels to watch over you.  

Loving You Beyond Words,

Mom

Our Girl

 

Because the video won't always work! 

Isn't she gorgeous!

 

 

 

I promise to write how it all happened soon!  I'm busy filling out official acceptance paperwork and putting together a care package so it can all be sent to Thailand!

Introducing Isabel Siriphon Strand

Our Love Day Has Arrived:  March 20,2013

(push play and wait about 30 seconds...or more...)

 

If you have trouble try moving the play circle back to the beginning..or just clicking randomly like I do until it decides to play!

The latest...

Yes. I realize it has been a month and a half since I wrote anything.  I could pretend it's because the holiday season got away with me and I just haven't had the time.  But that's not entirely true.  We did have a wonderful Christmas, and have been very busy, but the truth is I'm just so ready to write THE post.  You know, the post where I announce to the world that we have a daughter.  I had little hopes for December, but it was not meant to be, and so here we are waiting for a March group.  My heart is aching at the fact that it may still not be the group matching us with our daughter.  Honestly, I have moments when I wonder if it really is going to happen.  Normal, I hear, but painful moments none the less.  Of course it will all happen at the perfect moment, and we will bring her home at the perfect time...words I say at least once a day.  Every moment the thought of her is in the back of my mind, the intensity of those thoughts makes my heart hurt.  Intensity I am coping with, as I'm sure it will magnify once I see her little face and we continue to wait for the proper paper work to go through the proper channels.  And so, that is why I haven't blogged.

A bit of excitement.  I of course have applied to several grants.  And by several I mean I forget how many.  Many of the grant apps are extremely lengthy and detailed, but I figure it's worth it to apply.  Many are swamped with applicants, and obviously not everyone can be awarded.  We did receive the grant from Show Hope I've discussed before, and I have received a lot of 'we regret to inform you' letters.  I thought we had heard back from every one we submitted to, but January 5th I opened the mail to find a check for $1000 from an organization called Families Outreach in Arkansas.  I of course cried and jumped up and down, and called all the necessary people who I knew would cry and jump with me.  My husband, who did not cry or jump:), stated very calmly, "And the doors just keep opening." I assure you I cried and jumped enough for us both!  Mountains are moving people.  Check out those numbers on our timeline.  A year ago they seemed insurmountable, and now look at all those COMPLETED. It is of course not lost on me that in our prayers for direction and provision we have to be patient for God to Direct and to Provide.  Which really is what helps me get through the moments when I am just "so done" waiting. 

We became affiliates with Ordinary Hero recently.  The ordinary hero storefront has everything from apparel to jewelry, to donations for kids around the world, and if TeamStrand is selected at checkout we receive 40% of the proceeds, these funds are mailed directly to our agency.  Check it out at www.ordinaryhero.org  We will probably be promoting it more once we receive our referral.  Or you can just donate directly at www.grouprev.com/isabelstrand

In other news, we really have been busy.  Peyton and Ian started upward basketball, which is a GREAT program.  They have practice once a week with a bible study and verse learning included, and one game where we pray with the refs to start the game, and listen to testimonies at half time.  All the kids get to play regardless of skill.  It's very positive and one of my favorite activities they are involved in. 

We are busy at church trying to plan activities for our youth group and fulfill our roles in praise and worship.  I want to take a moment to say how much we love our church and all the people in it.  We have great leadership and friends in our Pastor Darrell Faire and his wife Sheila.  They are such huge supporters and have written so many recommendation letters for all those grants.  We are blessed to serve and grow under their ministry and vision. 

 

We took the boys to a ski lodge in St. Louis over the weekend.  Rocky grew up skiing and makes it look effortless.  I have been with him several times over the past 14 years but can never quite seem to master my fear enough to make the skis do what they should.  I am happy to say I learned how to stop correctly, instead of snow plowing the entire way, an enormous accomplishment if you know me at all and my lack of coordination.  We had fun 'family time', the boys had a blast and we came away without any broken bones!  I will not comment on the state of our muscles however!

 

No other news I can think of, oh except we did move up on the list to number 5, after an unexpected referral in early January.  One number at a time.

A Light in the Darkness

I read the news on my phone, sitting at a small cafe, enjoying a rare moment alone with a plan to do some Christmas Shopping.  Over 20 dead, after a shooter walked into an elementary school, most of them children between the ages of 5 and 10.  My soup suddenly didn't taste good, and I lost my desire to shop.  I quickly paid my bill and headed for my car.  I sat there as the tears began to fall, unable to form a prayer with any other words but "Oh, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus." I made my way home, the child in me taking a moment to call my mom and find security in her voice.  All I wanted to do was go pick up my boys and hug them to me tightly, and never let go.  I turned the TV on and listened as other details began to be released.  And then the images started coming.  Images of the parents.  My tears came unchecked now.  "Oh Jesus."  So Senseless.  No answer would ever come to any of them that would answer the question, "Why?" 

That evening as the news continued to broadcast my husband turned it off.  He just looked at me and I knew it was enough.  There was nothing else they could say that would change anything, those babies and teachers were gone, and families left with an unimaginable grief.  We hugged our boys so tightly that night and talked about what they'd seen and heard.  After they were asleep I gave them extra kisses and prayed a simple pray I often say when saying good night.  "God be with them." 

We went through the motions of our weekend.  I let the laundry go, I let the house go, I let the Christmas Shopping go and spent much of the day making a gingerbread train with my boys.  I don't ever want to take any moments for granted.  I want to enjoy every smile and laugh, I want to remember the feel of kisses and hugs. 

On the way to school  Monday morning my oldest asked, "Mom is it okay for us to go to school?"  I took a deep breath and prayed for wisdom.  I talked about how there was a shooting in a movie theater recently and asked, "does that mean we should never go to a movie?."  I also talked about the recent shooting at a shopping mall, "does that mean we shouldn't go shopping?"  If we never go anywhere because we are afraid, how will we tell others about Jesus?  I turned to scripture, because really where else is there to turn.  I told them both, "God has not given us a spirit of fear."  We live in a world where good and evil collide and sometimes horrible unfair things happen.  But one thing we can be sure of is no matter where we are:  school, a movie theater, a mall, or at home,  "God will never leave or forsake us."  Even if that evil touches or takes my life, "I will fear no evil for He is with me".  I was thankful God inspired me with those words, it helped me as much as it helped them. 

I am sure someday my daughter will want to know, "Why?"  Why didn't her birth parents keep her?  A question I am already trying to prepare for, and will answer as honestly as I can with what knowledge I have. All I know is this.  We do not live in perfect world.  Evil exists. War exists.  Famine exists.  Starvation exists.  Cruelty exists.  In a perfect world there would be no shootings of innocent children, in a perfect world there would be no orphans, in a perfect world there would be no evil. 

But this world is NOT my home.  And until that day, that wonderful day, we have to do the best we can to show the world about the good that exists, about a very real JESUS who instructed us to Go and preach the gospel, Go and give shelter to the homeless, Go and be a father to the fatherless, Go and give food to the hungery, Go and be a light in the darkness.

We are Number........Six

    

    Last year at this time we were waiting for our Dossier to receive all the necessary seals and stamps needed to make it official and approved to send off to Thailand.  We weren't even on "The List" yet, so even though I was disappointed to learn we only moved up to #6 this quarter, I am thankful we have made it this far on this ever lengthening journey.  We started this journey unsure of where it would take us, or how we would get there and although we haven't completed it yet, we have come this far and I know God will help us the rest of the way.  I knew, as well as one can in thought, that this process would change us as a family, I guess I never expected some of the ways it is changing me already. 

 

     Patience.  Many of you know I have a bit of a control issue.  I thrive on schedules and lists.  I perform things methodically and always follow the recipe. In adoption, after a couple pieces of paperwork (I laugh at my own joke), well there is nothing one can do.  And I do mean NOTHING.  You just wait...and wait...and wait...and wait.  For our process we have a referral month once a quarter, when Thailand sends referrals to our agency to be matched with families on the waiting list.  We have now been through 4 of these months, of looking at the phone ever so often not really expecting a call but unable to help wishing the phone would ring.  Feeling beyond happy for the children being matched with their families and every day a love growing for a child I don't even know yet.  Reading scripture over and over about waiting, and about patience, about God's plans and God's will.  I am learning what it really means to be patient.  Patience is not this attribute some have and others don't.  Patience is not a noun, it is a verb, an action, a choice. I have learned that patience is sitting still.  Trusting that after all the work I can do is done, to stop and sit still.  I often find myself wondering if He is constantly taking me back to my place and saying sit here and be still for just a minute. Just like I would tell my boys when they were two year old bundles of energy and I needed just a few minutes to complete a task.  I have learned God just needs a few minutes sometimes and I just need to sit still.  Surely I can manage longer than a two year old.

 

     Generosity.  I have never considered myself a selfish person.  I have always faithfully tithed and given in church offerings.  I give to charities, and of myself and of my time.  I have learned that one can be innocent of being selfish but fall very short of being generous.  God has been dealing with my heart ever so gently lately.  In the last 17 months I have been blown away with the generosity of others.  People who have known us for years, and more often mere acquaintances.  People God has moved on and they have given of their hearts.  Their gifts have shown me true generosity.  It has made me question if I am always generous.  I want my heart to be open at all times to give and to give generously.  To give in a way, that regardless of the amount, people feel loved and feel they are noticed and cared about.    Others generosity towards us has humbled me and made me look at how I give and question, am I being generous?  I want to teach my sons and my daughter to be generous.  It is in being generous that we really receive the blessing of giving.  It's not that I haven't heard this lesson before and taken note, it's just that I am now living it.

 

Number 6 it is.  As I sit, fidgiting in my spot and praying God is not going to make me wait too many more minutes!

Waiting Pains

I seem to be having a more difficult time lately with this whole waiting thing.  I'm not sure if it's because we are getting closer (#7 btw a family received an early match, Dec. referrals yet to come), and by being closer I mean we still have no idea if it will be Dec (I can only wish), March (seems plausible) or June (by which time I will be officially crazy, OR if it's the holidays, or what.  I just know I'm all crazy on this roller coaster of emotions again.  A friend, and adoptive parent, told me a few days ago to brace myself cuz the waiting gets really hard once you have your match and see your precious child's face.  While I am sure she is right, she also said that nothing really takes that ache away. The waiting pains I have been calling them.  Here's the deal.  I KNOW it will happen in God's timing, I KNOW it will all click into place and be perfect, I KNOW I simply have no control over this.  I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW.  But what I know and what my heart FEELS well, two different things entirely.  Thank God for family and friends who love me, and know me enough to let me cry every once in a while, and thank thank God for a facebook group of families across the states who have been in my shoes and provide words of wisdom and support only they can.  The other day one of those friends posted a poem for all of us in waiting.  I printed it out and hung it on my fridge.

KISSES IN THE WIND (The Waiting Child's Lullabye)

I hold you in my heart and touch you in my dreams.
...

You are here each day with me, at least that's how it seems.

I know you wonder where we are... what's taking us so long.
But remember child, I love you so and God will keep you strong.

Now go outside and feel the breeze and let it touch your skin...
Because tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.

May God hold you in His hand until I can be with you.
I promise you, my darling, I'm doing all that I can do.

Very soon, you'll have a family for real, not just pretend.
But for tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.

May God wrap you in His arms and hold you very tight.
And let the angels bring the kisses that I send to you each night.

--- © Pamela Durkota, written for Josh

 

And so I continue to wait and dream and pray that she is safe and loved, that God is seeing her through the things we can't right now.  How I miss her.  Soon little Belle, soon.